Words to live by.
“The hand that rocks the cradle chops the herring in the bowl.”
— Ann Klein
Back in the day when he was the publisher of Sportscape magazine, he received the following query:
Dear Todd:
Hey, how come you never cover hunting? That's a sport, too, you know!
J.S., Lexington.
Dear J.S.:
The only kind of hunting I've ever done is small game hunting in my house.
Here are a few tips.
Here is what he published in response.
Tips For Small Game Hunting In Your Home
Warning—This article contains extreme sports action, excessive bold type, high speed car chases, disturbing thoughts, suspicious grammar, suggestive sensuality and desperate humor.
WEAPONRY
Time Magazine
Number one in mail-order weaponry (discounts available for student hunters), Time Magazine, rolled to a diameter not exceeding 1.5 inches, is peerless in killing cockroaches, mosquitos and spiders. For best results, snap wrists on follow through, a technique perfected through experience and thrice-weekly squash games. Newsprint stains can be avoided by wearing gloves.
Your Basic Tennis Racket
Your basic tennis racket is perfect for all aeronautical small game. Light, fast-handling, the Prince Pro sports a large attacking surface coupled with tremendous inner frame strength, allowing off-center hits to score true with no torque or vibrations. For additional control, gut strings are recommended.
Four Wheel Drive Jeep
Stick shift or automatic, the Jeep is rated the most powerful of all small game hunting weapons. The shock of first impact is enough to bring down the largest of small game. What distinguishes the Jeep from all other four-wheel drive machines is the handy roll bar, which permits chase of small game up and down spiral staircases without fear of serious impairment. Options include AM–FM radio, leather interior, and small game hunting rack.
HUNTING SMALL GAME
Cockroaches
Of all small game, cockroaches have the most indiscriminate palates and will indulge in anything. Their most salient features are their long legs (especially adapted to hopping cribs and broad-jumping twin beds) and hard-back brown shells that snap, crackle and pop when snapped in two.
When hunting cockroaches:
Discreetly open front door.
Withdraw your basic tennis racket.
Enter foyer.
Smash racket against nearest wall.
Repeat throughout remainder of home.
Moths
Stouter and hairier than most butterflies, moths are renowned for their expertise in matters of high fashion. Place a garment in front of a blindfolded moth and, within seconds, the moth will discern the garment's designer, fabric and retail price. Leave the garment there another thirty seconds, and the moth will drill a hole in your lapel the size of a cigarette butt.
When hunting moths:
Enter closet.
Remove hanger.
Put on biggest woolen coat.
Hang yourself up in closet.
Liberally coat nose with solution of fermented banana and dried apricots mixed in brown sugar.
Wait.
With any luck an impressive collection of Mourning Cloaks should be dining on your nozzle within an hour (the bigger the beak the better).
Remove self from hanger, move slowly toward front door, open and release.
Clean beak with Goo Gone.
Bats
Winged rodents sporting Mickey Mouse ears, bats behave as if they were still on European time: snoozing during the day and sightseeing at night. Except for Peter Pan, bats are the only mammals rigged for flying, using an antiquated radar system, which ineluctably propels them into attics, cupboards, closets and assorted birthday parties—never bearing gifts.
When hunting bats:
Wait til 11:00 p.m.
Leave closet or attic door ajar.
Put on jammies over hunting outfit.
Turn off lights.
Feign sleep.
Once bat enters room:
Slip out of bed.
Whip off jammies.
Snap on lights.
Pursue with racket in hand (continental or western grips permissible).
In the event that you should fall asleep and miss the bat's entrance, when you awake:
Get out of bed.
Inspect bedroom.
Inspect bathroom.
Inspect kitchen, dining and living room.
Call realtor.
Rats
Known as "big game" in the small game hunting world, rats are easily distinguishable by their long scaly tails, short legs, petite ears, and pointed muzzles which conceal a set of incisors capable of boring through a Boeing 707.
When hunting rats:
In an apartment:
Feign call to travel agent for a one week trip to Mexico.
Pack suitcase.
Call taxi.
Pretend to leave by slamming front door.
Camouflage Jeep as love seat in your living room.
Sit in Jeep fifteen minutes.
Drive Jeep into kitchen.
Chase rat until capture. At no time exceed 55 MPH.
In house:
Open basement door.
Drop tear gas pellet into basement.
Wait at top of steps.
When rat staggers out, knock unconscious with New Columbia Encyclopedia.
Tie hands behind rat's back.
Execute Mafia style.
In the event that the rat may be larger than you or your Jeep:
Announce with hearty laughter that you were only joking.
Offer to swap bedrooms.
Back Jeep out of front door and seek new residence, preferably a place with a view.
From the mailroom…
The January 4th article, “Why Didn’t His Mother Pick Him Up at LAX?” generated an unusually large volume of mail. We thought you might enjoy both letters.
Hi Todd,
Something indeed needs to be said. I liked the article! Only next time, if there is a next time, I would appreciate highlighting my abilities rather than my disabilities!
Your ever-loving Mom
Dear Reader,
You underestimate how many of your terrific qualities come thru. You turned your son into a man. When the going got tough you took care of his kids and you’re a font of life wisdom. Not too shabby, I say.
The Writer
Dear Writer,
I stand corrected. Thank you for the clarification.
Love and kisses from Big Mama!
E. Meyer writes…
Hey —
This is very funny and reminds me of my favorite poem by Billy Collins, “The Lanyard.”
E. Meyer
We didn’t have a clue about Collins. After Googling him, we learned he was The Poet Laureate of The United States from 2001–2003. After reading “The Lanyard,” we were astonished that Meyer compared The Lanyard to our dreck.
That said, we loved “The Lanyard” and hope you do, too.
The Lanyard
The other day I was ricocheting slowly
off the blue walls of this room,
moving as if underwater from typewriter to piano,
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
when I found myself in the L section of the dictionary
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.
No cookie nibbled by a French novelist
could send one into the past more suddenly—
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp
by a deep Adirondack lake
learning how to braid long thin plastic strips
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.
I had never seen anyone use a lanyard
or wear one, if that’s what you did with them,
but that did not keep me from crossing
strand over strand again and again
until I had made a boxy
red and white lanyard for my mother.
She gave me life and milk from her breasts,
and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sick room,
lifted spoons of medicine to my lips,
laid cold face-cloths on my forehead,
and then led me out into the airy light
and taught me to walk and swim,
and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard.
Here are thousands of meals, she said,
and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.
Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,
strong legs, bones and teeth,
and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered,
and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp.
And here, I wish to say to her now,
is a smaller gift—not the worn truth
that you can never repay your mother,
but the rueful admission that when she took
the two-tone lanyard from my hand,
I was as sure as a boy could be
that this useless, worthless thing I wove
out of boredom would be enough to make us even.
Do You Know This Man?: An Irreverent Memoir is an ongoing exploration of the one character who eludes, confounds and mystifies. Me. Right now, it’s available for free, including being able to listen to some of my plays and dive into the best of Sportscape Magazine.
Current premium content available for free:
Listen to the original cast recordings of Persistence of Vision and Tops or Bottoms.
Watch a complete performance of Botanic Garden.
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